After I had a baby, I lost more than just the baby weight.
It's important to me that you know that I love my son with my whole being. I waited for him. I prayed for him. I thought about who he would be and what he would look like. I adore him. He is better than I could ever have imagined, and he is more than I could ever deserve. But he changed me, and I sometimes struggle to decide if I'm less than before, or if I'm more.
Yesterday I almost took a picture of the kitchen sink I had just scrubbed and shined. I'm not some weirdo who has a stash of shiny sink pics on her phone, it's just that I wanted to show it to someone. I wanted someone besides me to see the work that I do. When my husband left for work, the sink was full of breakfast dishes, when he got home from work, the sink was full again from lunch and dinner prep. I swept the floor at naptime, so by the time he got home it was already littered with cheerios and dirt and whatever else finds it's way in on my dog's paws. I vacuumed the living room in the morning, but when he walked in the door there was a layer of toys covering any evidence of that.
I barely have time to take a shower or go pee, yet I look around and can't tell what I actually did for the past 8 hours.
All day long I talk to my son, saying aloud nearly every single thing I do. "Mommy has to cut the vegetables for dinner. Do you see the green one? Oh wow! This red pepper is very big!" By the end of the day, I've narrated so much that you'd think I'd be done talking. Instead, I'm left craving more. At the very moment that I'm ready to have an adult conversation, my husband, who's been working all day, is ready to just have some time without having to talk. At the very moment that he's ready to kiss me or hug me or hold my hand, I'm ready to just not be touched.
If I'm not careful, I can take personally his wanting to have some quiet moments. If I'm not careful, my wanting to have some personal space can turn into a rejection of him. What a fine line I dance nightly.
My husband isn't the problem. He isn't disappointed in me or frustrated with me, and he doesn't complain to me or about me. It isn't him that leaves me feeling inadequate or unfulfilled or sad or alone, it's me. More accurately, it's the lies of the Devil. Every day I'm met with some version of the lie. Either I feel trapped in a Groundhog's Day, or that the work I'm doing in Ryder's life isn't important, or that I'll never be enough for my husband, or that I'm letting my family down by not bringing in a paycheck, or that I'll never be as Instagram worthy as all the other Moms. They are all lies.
There is no paycheck or promotion, there's no office comradery, I'll never get a good evaluation, and it can be lonely as heck. The truth is, my husband DOES see what I do, my son sees all the work I put into our family, and our Heavenly Father delights in the seeds that I sew into my household.
"She is worth far more than rubies... Her husband has full confidence in her... She brings him good, not harm... She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family...She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks...She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness... Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband also...Honor her for all her hands have done." Proverbs 31.
Yes, I wash the same exact dishes every single day. What I'm really doing is providing meals for my family. I got up at 0530 even though I didn't have anywhere to be all day. What I really did was show my son that I am here when he needs me. The only time I left the house was to go grocery shopping. In reality, I had five full days to spend with my son and allow him to play freely. It isn't meaningless. The results are more important than any review or promotion.
Does any of that seem familiar to you? If it does, let me be the one to say that I see you, Momma, and I know your struggles. I want to honor you for all your hands have done. YOU are worth far more than rubies.
