I'm sitting here trying to figure out why I actually am doing this. Do I think that what I want to share is actually something you want to read? Do I think something grand will come from this? Maybe I'm hoping to suddenly become Carrie Bradshaw and have a regular column that thousands of people read. What really IS my goal here?
A few weeks ago I wrote something about the day I watched my Grandfather's memorial on DVD. I was deployed when he died so I missed everything. In fact, to me it didn't even feel real. I hadn't seen him get sick and I wasn't there when they "celebrated his life," so maybe it hadn't happened after all. After I watched the DVD I sat there alone and crying, and my very first reaction was to write. I had so much emotion inside, so many feelings in my head, so much hurt in my heart, and I had to get it out. I picked up a pen and paper and wrote. After I finished the journal entry I felt much better. I had released what was inside and I had come to terms with reality. A few days later I felt inclined to send the entry to my mom and dad. I hadn't intended to share it, but God was hinting to me that I should let them read it. Dad loved it. He printed it out and sent it to my Grandmother. They all loved it. They told me that they "could hear me saying" what I had written. My Grandmother told me, for the hundredth time, that I was meant to be a writer. Dad told me that he still thought I should publish some of my stuff. Mom said I had a way with words.
I'm not sure I believe any of them. I mean, aren't parents and grandparents forced to love everything children do? The thing is, writing is and will always be my outlet, no matter if I'm good or average or bad at it. I need to write. It keeps me sane, it keeps me positive, it keeps me motivated, it helps when I'm hurting, it's great when I'm happy, it records all my joys, and erases all my anger. I NEED to write. If other people can enjoy my writing, then so be it. If I'm the only one, then so be that also. This is MY therapy.
In the end, I'm doing this just because. Because maybe something will resonate with you. Because maybe God is telling me something He wants you to hear. Because I can't be the only one who feels the way I do. Because therapy is too expensive and this is free. Because. My prayer, though, is that something good will come of this "just because" blog. Maybe it'll be something good for me, but maybe, just maybe, it will be something good for you.
